_____ like a motherfuck is the best simile ever. At first I was going to do an ABC list, but Fuck it that takes too much energy. I'd rather use that energy in finding my next drink. I was thinking that you can put any verb in the blank and have an awesome simile. Let me give you some examples...
Sing like a motherfuck... as in: she can sing like a motherfuck. You know she is a good singer!
Cheats like a motherfuck... as in; He cheats like a motherfuck. I actually used that sentence recently.
Drives like a motherfuck... as in: He drives like a motherfuck. Yeah, that would be a shitty driver.
I could go on, but you probably get my point
So was it really necessary to message me several times about getting the papers signed? That's a rhetorical question in case you were wondering. And really? 2 messages in a 4 hour span? I'll be there...with bells on...I swear. Okay, maybe not with bells but you get my point.
Let us remind you who wanted this divorce...yeah, ME! So of course I will show up to sign on the dotted line. AND even if I didn't I could still get the notary to sign it in my own time. I seriously want this thing done as soon as possible. It was you only a short time ago who was proposing to stayed married forever... out of convenience. Now you're all pushy about it. Listen Bub, I had to wait 2 years for you to agree to this whole thing. So chill the fuck out!
As I sat and watched the news I couldn't help but think that teachers are better equipped to run the country more so than politicians. Let's look at some facts:
*Teachers can make 5 year-olds sit quietly and listen...like 30 of them at a time.
*Teachers can settle arguments between bickering parties.
*If an argument is over an object and there is no clear owner...The teacher takes it away and settles it later when one stops lying.
*Teachers have a 'Bullshit Radar'. And will call someone out if necessary!
*Teachers can work effectively on a shoestring budget....Congress may want to take notes on this one.
This is just a short list. I'm sure there are more...feel free to add to it!
So maybe I have seen too many movies, but vibrators scare the shit out of me! For example, if I were to have gotten one at the party, put down my bag of purchases, and it went off...Fuck, then everyone would have known what I bought. Then there would come the great stories and non stop jokes -- all at my expense. How embarrassing! So let's go with the scenario that I bought one. Okay, I safely put down my bag with undisclosed purchases. Now, I have to make it home. You see I hitched a ride with a friend -- who just before we left, warned me that I BETTER have my own bag. Between you and me...she scared the shit out of me, almost as bad as those vibrators. Back to the ride home. What would happen if I didn't set it down softly enough and the thing went off....Yes, back to the stories and non stop jokes. Taking it a step further, assume that I got the thing home without going off. I have friends who have kids. What if one of the kids found it, and brought it out to show everyone the 'toy' they had found. Again with the stories and non stop jokes. So you see, no good came come from vibrators...just like no good can come from alleys (and that's a post for another time).
I'm taking a short break from the party stuff to talk about Panda's newest obsession...the afghan. I was sitting on the couch earlier this evening with the afghan close at hand; when Panda started 'eying' Samson. I just thought he was in a mood to play and challenge Samson's dominance. Um, not so much. As it turns out, Panda was horny. Ewww, this is almost as bad as walking in on your parents 'doing it'. He's fixed, there really shouldn't be a sex drive right? Fuck, I should really brush up on this shit. Anyway, Panda then started to bite the afghan, which pissed me off. I mean, my grandma made it, knock that shit off! Thoroughly confused, I left the room to check my email. While in my office I hear Panda moving about in the living room. So I get up to check out what all the commotion was about. He had managed to drag the afghan onto the floor in order to have his way with it...NICE. And like an embarrassed teenager, he stopped the minute he figured out I was in the room. Do I really want to find Panda spooge on my grandmother's afghan? Not so much...Damn dog! Now he's just passed out on 'his couch'. He's such a male!
I promised the ladies that I would post some of DD's 'Handy' work. The cake was delish. Please note that we only ate the cake, the 'real' features were sent home to her husband.
So we are back to that 'Special Party'. And after a brief intermission, the kinky shit began....
Yes, it began with the host asking if we knew the difference between a dildo and a vibrator. Then she plunked (isn't that a great word, love it) down a purple dildo complete with a suction cup -- at the bass, not tip. A suction cup at the tip probably exists, just not in this story. And there it sat, next to me on a coffee table, flopping around -- not unlike the real thing, minus the suction cup and coffee table. Nice.... Then the host went on to explain you can put it on a wall or door or shower and 'back on up'. Really? Did I need to hear that? My dirty ass mind could have come up with that on it's own. However, being Polish it would have taken me a little longer. The dildo section of the party was...brief.
Then we moved on to vibrators....HOLY FUCK! I say that because there are a vast variety and well, I'm sure some say that after using one. They came in all sizes, shapes, colors, movements. Let's just say that I will never look at a 'hummingbird' the same way. Then we did what all normal women do with a bunch of vibrators...we tested them out! On our hands, geez, get your minds out of the gutters.
Back to the dildos for a moment....When I was a kid, in the 80's, I loved all the John Hugh's movies. I mean who didn't? Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson (he has some of the largest nostrils known to man)....Teenage angst. In one movie, I believe it was Breakfast Club, a character used the phrase, "Fucking dildo.' And being a child with crappy vocabulary and a sailor mouth, I knew only 1 of these 2 words. So one day while in the car with my mother we were talking about some relative....no worries, if you are a relative that reads this it's not you (not in contact with this person anymore). Anyway, out of my mouth comes...."She's a dildo." Yes, I should have used that dictionary that my mom gave me before saying such a thing. My mother gently stops the car, looks over at me and asks, "Do you know what a dildo is?" Of course I had no idea, if I did I sure at hell wouldn't have used it in front of her! Meekly I replied, "No." She then proceeded to tell me what it was. I was mortified. How fucking embarrassing! So still to this day when I hear the word dildo, I think of that time in the car with my mother...Fuck, I think I need more therapy!
So I signed up today for a twitter account...for the betterment of the blog of course!
Holy Hell! I am so confused...I am so Polish...This does not make a good combination! So if you want to follow me I'm @lisaslifechange
Okay and about my twitter name. I sound like a middle - aged (some would argue that I am) person who's having a sex change. I haven't decided yet if I'm Lisa changing to a man or a man who changed into Lisa. And why no 's' at the end of change? Well, I guess I ran out of characters! Damn it!
And while I was doing all this I should have been cleaning house and getting ready for friends to come over tonight. I hope they don't mind a dirty house. At least I have beer and wine. Alcohol always makes things better!
Back to that party from the other night...They start you off easy. They show you that they are not all dildos and vibrators. They're sort of like a man picking up a woman. They woo you! Well, the first product up was Bosom Buddy. This is a multitasking product. First we dipped our pen toppers, yeah those cute little penises, in. Then you had your choice. Use it as a lip balm or apply it to your nipple. Never fails, there's one in every crowd. Yes, one of the ladies...who was REALLY looking forward to this party...happily applied it to her nipple. Maybe a little too happily!
Of course there was the pheromone enhancer, hand warmer/massager thingy, body spray (which brings out the colors in your tattoo -- yup, tried this one out), the wet spot dryer-upper -- this let to a rousing TMI discussion on the virtues of towels and the 'drip factor', a throat relaxer (get your mind in the gutter and you'll know what I'm talking about), and of course lubricants -- of all sensations, textures, and flavors.
Then we went on to play a stimulating game of 'Pass The Penis'. Actually it was a foot long double dong. Boy did that thing flop around.
See non-kinky. Please note that I am in no way endorsing (or not endorsing) any product(s).
I'm a teacher, not one of those super serious non-smiling types; one of those that laughs non-stop, is sarcastic, and loves to have a good time. There have been many changes occurring in my life and why not let the world come along on the roller coaster ride that is my life?!