I received an email this morning from my cousin. She is getting married this year -- this I knew. She was giving me a big heads up about the dates and such so that I could fly back home for the big event. The only problem I could see was that it was at a crucial point in my school year. However, after thinking about it today I realized that very few will give a fuck if I am at school or not during this time period and furthermore, NO ONE will say, "Hey thanks for being here instead of going to your cousin's wedding". And as a part of my new philosophy on life, I have decided to go! First of all, I like this cousin. She has been there for me and she is more important that being in the classroom for a few days. Secondly, I need to start living my life for me! I cannot continue to think of every possible angle of what may or may not happen in the future...Live in the present! Okay, so a little planning like finding a flight is good...

The next thing I need to do is rent a house on the beach for my birthday this year! It's a big one and I want to celebrate. It will come a few weeks after my cousin's wedding, so living it up will be the theme =D

Today was a good day considering. Today, my family said their final good byes to my cousin -- Christina -- who was killed in Vegas after a drunk driver rear ended the car she was in. I mean, how hard is it to find a cab in Vegas...NOT VERY. Then the son of a bitch was let out on a $150,000 bond. So now he is driving -- hopefully sober -- around the streets of San Diego.

Today was also the 7th anniversary of my mother's death -- who happened to be Christina's Godmother. Long ago, and with the help of therapy, I mourned not only her loss, but the loss of hope. It's never easy to lose someone you love, but when the relationship between you and said loved one is strained, there are multiple layers of mourning. Personally, I had to deal with alienation, broken ties, and the loss of hope. I think the loss of hope was the biggest one I had to deal with. The hope that I had, until she died, was that we could have a good relationship, we would heal old wounds, we would have that mother-daughter relationship I so desperately wanted. Once she died, I had to face the fact that all my hopes and desires that I had for us were no longer an option. To this day, it is the death of 'hope' that makes me the saddest.

Shortly after my mom died, I wrote a piece on my feelings and experiences. I may post the writing at a later date.