I have confirmed something that I have suspected for a long time...Panda is a Spanish speaker. This means that I live in a multilingual household. Sadly, I only speak 1 language and slaughter a second. The Spaniards are back -- super happy, I've missed them (especially A). Anyway, they came over and were speaking Spanish to the dogs --  this is totally normal and encouraged. I like having multilingual dogs. Anyway, Panda really responded. This means I need to get my Spanish up to snuff in order to speak to one of the members of this household.

Getting the house the way I want it is a big task for one person! I am trying to clean, cook, clean up after the dogs, do yard work (front and back), landscape (the back), set up the garden (now complete -- well almost, need more tomato plants), do laundry, etc. Yea, it's a lot for one person. And that's okay. I know that it will not always be just me, and more importantly, I do the best I can. I do what I can each weekend and am satisfied with the results. I may not get to everything on my list, I may not do all the shopping that I need to do, and I'm okay with that.

And finally, I know I get made fun of for having a 'list' of qualities for a future partner. I'm okay with that too. I know my worth, and what I want. There is no reason to settle for anything less. Well, in full disclosure, there are over 50 items on my list. And to my credit less than 5 have to do with physical attributes -- currently, I can only think of 1. So in short, I think it is a good thing to know what you want -- whether it be in life or a partner. When that right person comes along, I will be happy that I waited and was picky. I know it will be better than I ever imagined.

So today was the first day of testing. UGH!! So how does it begin? Well, one kid went to the emergency room before the day even started! Yeah, he was playing outside on the play equipment and hit his head pretty good on the ground. Luckily, mom was on campus and took him immediately. Luckily he was fine and took the second part of the test today.

We had a decent breakfast in the cafeteria. And by decent I mean eggs and bacon, not the usual sticky buns, or my personal favorite -- chocolate chocolate chip muffins. Fortunately, someone had thought of the nutritious breakfast the government has us serve -- and that will be a post for another day -- and arranged for healthy food! So what do my kids do? Complain that the eggs have no flavor. And they were probably right. I told them to eat the bacon with the scary looking, pre-fab, circular scrambled eggs; the bacon would mask the non-existent flavor of the eggs.

Then we go into the class and prepare...visualizations, last pep talk, review of strategies, etc. Poor babies had to read 3, rather long for 3rd grade -- in my opinion -- passages. But they were troopers and did their best! I was very proud of them. Oh, I did learn a few facts...but for fear that the testing police will see this I will have to keep those to myself. BASTARDS! They were 'interesting' facts too!

Then it was time for the math section, after a nice break outside. This is where I realized how EVIL test makers, politicians, and other adults can be. The class worked hard. I had a few students taking their time (this is an untimed test) and really working out all the problems -- yea them! Then it came to lunch and a few students weren't finished. I sent the majority of the class ahead and stayed with the few remaining. One poor soul worked his little heart out. After missing 15 minutes of his lunch he was getting frustrated and hungry. He asked if he could go eat. I soooooo wanted to let him go, the dude is 8 for crying out loud. I know the rules, but I checked with my principal just in case. The verdict...He needs to finish. The kid did great, and was a great sport about it. He finished after missing 1/2 hour of his lunch. Poor guy. And now that I think of it, I should have had him eat in the class. He brought his own lunch...SHIT, I SUCK IT big time!!! Oh and the rulemakers...they SUCK IT even more!!! I know it's to prevent cheating, but give me a break. Let's make these rule maker big wigs take a long and grueling test and not let them eat. OH and make their pay depend on these ridiculous sanctions...

In short: I HATE testing, I suck, and testing is a money making industry for private industry!

I say I deserve a drink after today.

Oh, on a lighter note, one girl found a marble before one of the testing periods. At some point she lost it. She kept telling people, including me, "I lost my marble." For some reason that made me giggle.

So after feeling quite miserable yesterday, I woke up today with the I CAN attitude. It started off with J&J stopping by and dropping off a sledge hammer and large rake. I tackled the front -- not really my focus landscape wise this year. I mowed, weed whacked, sort of edged -- bought a trimmer that was suppose to double as an edger...my lawn won that battle, weeded, and even swept. Next came the back yard. Armed with the sledge hammer I was bound and determined to create a fence -- all to keep Panda out of the dirt and mud. I did it! I pounded in 4 'T' posts about a foot in the ground then attached the fencing. Now my garden will be Panda free. Which is a good thing since he will most likely want to 'mark' all the plants himself. I then tried to till the garden area. J had started it a few weeks ago, but I wanted to do one more pass. Sadly, I couldn't get it started. I'm okay with that...That does not make me a failure. It just means the tiller is crappy ;)

It's a temporary fix. I plan to build a small fence with possibly an arbor with gate. It won't be happening this year!

Ahh, more of my handy work :)

That is exactly how I am feeling right now. I am soo tired of having to ask for help. I get it, I can't do it all on my own. However, lately I feel as if I can't do ANYTHING on my own! I have to constantly ask for help from my friends. And to make matters worse I have nothing to offer them in return. I can't cook, bake, sew, or do anything helpful to anyone. Ugh!

I set out to block off my garden area from Panda today. So, not sure what I need to create the fence, I asked my friends J&J. I stopped over their place and checked out their set up. Okay, not so hard. Then, before I left J is going through the shed looking for extra fencing for me -- I know this is my issue,  and he was just being kind (cuz that's how he is) but I felt bad taking it. I then went to the store to get the necessary posts. I then get home to try and put them in the ground...I have NO tools! So now once again I have to ask J&J to borrow tools.

I think what's really getting to me is the feeling of helplessness. I feel helpless, like I can't do anything on my own. Which is a switch from yesterday when I was all proud of myself for doing everything on my own. I know this moment of self pity will pass, but for now, I feel shitty, and angry with myself for not being able to do more on my own. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking...there go those exceedingly high standards that you set for yourself. And yes, you're right.

I used to think that divorce, for me personally, was an embarrassment. I used to look at it as if I had failed. I hate failing. You see, I have this unrealistic expectation of myself in all areas. I am very forgiving and supportive of others, however when it comes to myself I find that I am my own worst critic. I expect nothing but perfection. I've dealt with this at therapy, and let's just say that my therapist -- and I think she was good -- gave up on me on this area and moved on to help me in ways where she could. I think this whole perfection thing is deeply ingrained in me. So while I knew I no longer wanted to be married to PT, I was ashamed of failing. I have since come to terms with it, and have accepted it. I no longer view it as a failure, but a change -- I think that's much healthier. We were together for 15 years. We each grew, just not in compatible ways -- again, that's okay. We have been through the divorce, mentally, and now just need to do the paperwork. At first, we thought we could do it ourselves, but after looking into it, I realized that it was way too much for me to deal with and understand. So, I found a guy in the Yellow Pages. Yes, the Yellow Pages!

Today, I made an appointment for us to see the LDA (Legal Document Assistant). It was a slightly strange experience, but for $450 for his services, who am I to complain? First of all, he has a neon sign in his window! I love neon signs, just not sure I want to do legal business with someone who has them. But I decided he was the right man for the job. I met Pete at the office. It is located in a 'Plaza', with that neon sign. We went into the slightly dilapidated building together -- we arrived within minutes of each other. We followed the directions, and it was like going back in time...to the late 70's early 80's. After navigating our way, we found the office...with a large, wooden 'Divorce' sign hanging in the hallway. We walked in and the office smelled of a freshly showered middle aged man -- I'd say maybe a freshly showered 'Irish Spring' man. The couch and chairs were from the 80's and looked as if the 'cleaning crew' had been let go...a while ago. The guy does it all himself, no secretary -- or room for one! Again, who am I do complain? He explained the process...We fill out paperwork, he goes to the courthouse for us and in about 4 months time we are divorced! Oh and to add to the 80's theme, I think he was wearing a 'Members Only' jacket!

PT and I agreed to get the process started today...it's only been forever since we separated. So I signed some papers today. Wednesday they will be filed with the county and it will all start.

I am feeling pretty good about the whole thing. I feel like I have a spring in my step. Things are moving in the right direction. I am more focused on my work and more optimistic that I have been in ages. 

So I have been invited to a wedding back home, Detroit, in August. I love this person dearly and wouldn't miss it for the world. In the beginning, I debated whether or not to go because school will most likely be in session. Then after a few minutes, I decided that of course I will fly out. I mean, who's going to remember that I missed a loved one's wedding, my district or said loved one? AND relations are more important that work, in this case. So I will happily be traveling to the D in Aug. Crappy time of year as it will most likely be humid as hell!

In addition to the wedding, many people, both friends and family, want to get together. This is a good feeling. For many years I avoided the D because I didn't feel that it was my home. I felt betrayed and lonely. It wasn't until a few years ago, after joining Facebook (of all things), that my feelings changed. I realized that I was distancing myself from that thing that made me who I am. It wasn't Detroit, my friends or most of my family that hurt me. It was a few specific people that hurt me. I started reconnecting with many old friends and found some wonderful new ones. I reconnected with family members who I haven't spoken with in years -- because we lost touch. As I announced that the plans were booked (flight, hotel, car) many people are wanting to get together -- friends and family. I have been blessed with a family member that has offered to have a BBQ in order to have a small family get together. This is another family member who has also been 'out of the family loop' for many years.

The trick to the 'family BBQ' will be to keep certain members away (either from each other or the event). I have noticed that my generation of family doesn't really have too many problems with each other. The problems and discourse seem to be coming from my parents' generation -- not all of course, but more so than mine. I may have to break down and treat them like kids in my classroom!

So, I am excited to be going home and meeting up with so many people. I feel blessed!

Oh, and the mystery caller from the other night has revealed themself to me. I'm sure you're wondering who it was. Was it Hollywood? A book agent? A former lover? An admirer? A friend who accidentally blocked themself?  Well, I'm not telling :P Let's just say, it wasn't anything too exciting.