So I have been invited to a wedding back home, Detroit, in August. I love this person dearly and wouldn't miss it for the world. In the beginning, I debated whether or not to go because school will most likely be in session. Then after a few minutes, I decided that of course I will fly out. I mean, who's going to remember that I missed a loved one's wedding, my district or said loved one? AND relations are more important that work, in this case. So I will happily be traveling to the D in Aug. Crappy time of year as it will most likely be humid as hell!

In addition to the wedding, many people, both friends and family, want to get together. This is a good feeling. For many years I avoided the D because I didn't feel that it was my home. I felt betrayed and lonely. It wasn't until a few years ago, after joining Facebook (of all things), that my feelings changed. I realized that I was distancing myself from that thing that made me who I am. It wasn't Detroit, my friends or most of my family that hurt me. It was a few specific people that hurt me. I started reconnecting with many old friends and found some wonderful new ones. I reconnected with family members who I haven't spoken with in years -- because we lost touch. As I announced that the plans were booked (flight, hotel, car) many people are wanting to get together -- friends and family. I have been blessed with a family member that has offered to have a BBQ in order to have a small family get together. This is another family member who has also been 'out of the family loop' for many years.

The trick to the 'family BBQ' will be to keep certain members away (either from each other or the event). I have noticed that my generation of family doesn't really have too many problems with each other. The problems and discourse seem to be coming from my parents' generation -- not all of course, but more so than mine. I may have to break down and treat them like kids in my classroom!

So, I am excited to be going home and meeting up with so many people. I feel blessed!

Oh, and the mystery caller from the other night has revealed themself to me. I'm sure you're wondering who it was. Was it Hollywood? A book agent? A former lover? An admirer? A friend who accidentally blocked themself?  Well, I'm not telling :P Let's just say, it wasn't anything too exciting.

Why is an independent woman such a bad thing in the minds of so many people? So I finally called my dad -- whom I haven't spoken with in 2 months. We were 'catching up'. Although it was slightly superficial as we each get information about the other from my aunt. At any rate, he said that he had heard that Pt has a girlfriend. I said, "Yes". He asked if she was divorced, no. (Note: on my to do list for 2011 is to get that divorce I've talked about for so long now). Then the question all single women get..."Any men in your life?"
Me: No
Dad: Aw, that's too bad, you're a good catch
Me: (thinking) No shit!
Me: (what I actually said): I know
Dad: You don't want to be alone. That's not good.
Me: Don't put your issues on me, I'm happy.
Dad: (in an angry tone) I'm not putting my issues on you. It could be just you or you with 18 cats, I just don't want to see that happen to you.
Me: I made the choice to be on my own right now. I'm good with it, I'm happy with where I am.
Dad: Okay, I just want you to be happy, that's all I want for you.

Okay, seriously, who in their right fucking mind starts off a conversation with 'you don't want to be alone' who's not putting his/her own issues into play? Why are so many people threatened/weirded out/annoyed WHATEVER with the idea that a woman can actually be happy WITHOUT a man (or woman in some cases) in her life? First of all, it was totally healthy for me to take a break from men. I needed to do things. I don't need someone to 'complete me'. Fucking Jerry McGuire making so many people think that co-dependence is a good thing. NO, I don't need anyone to complete me. News flash, I am complete all on my little own!

So then we move on to another topic, who knows, who cares what it was about. He asked a bunch of questions like, "How much is gas out there?" and then proceeded to talk about M's (his girlfriend) gas mileage. Why ask a question if you just want to talk? So I finally answered his question, then...wait for it...still waiting...yup, long awkward pause....Then...
Dad: I'll let you go
Me: okay
Dad: So what's it? 6:30 out there?
Me: yes
Dad: Okay, we should talk more often
Me: (thinking) No shit! You have a phone too, pick it up and dial sometime.
Me: (actually said) Yeah, I have some things that we need to discuss, but I need to write them down first so I don't sound so angry and pissed off.
Dad: No use in being angry
Me:(thinking) You weren't screwed over by your parents
Me: (actually said) I know, I just need to write it down so I don't ramble.
Dad: okay, bye, I love you

So, some may be wondering...What was with the long pause? Well, my bet is M was urging him to get off the phone. She usually does it a little louder so that I hear. Dear aunt told Dad I was pissed about that and he must have told M, forcing her to go all Silent Bob like.
I hung up still pissed off with the whole 'alone' thing. I then poured myself a glass of wine. Which leads me to my second topic...Families lead many people to drink! Yup, I'm one of them!  And this is one of the many reasons why I moved far away from my family!

Today was a good day considering. Today, my family said their final good byes to my cousin -- Christina -- who was killed in Vegas after a drunk driver rear ended the car she was in. I mean, how hard is it to find a cab in Vegas...NOT VERY. Then the son of a bitch was let out on a $150,000 bond. So now he is driving -- hopefully sober -- around the streets of San Diego.

Today was also the 7th anniversary of my mother's death -- who happened to be Christina's Godmother. Long ago, and with the help of therapy, I mourned not only her loss, but the loss of hope. It's never easy to lose someone you love, but when the relationship between you and said loved one is strained, there are multiple layers of mourning. Personally, I had to deal with alienation, broken ties, and the loss of hope. I think the loss of hope was the biggest one I had to deal with. The hope that I had, until she died, was that we could have a good relationship, we would heal old wounds, we would have that mother-daughter relationship I so desperately wanted. Once she died, I had to face the fact that all my hopes and desires that I had for us were no longer an option. To this day, it is the death of 'hope' that makes me the saddest.

Shortly after my mom died, I wrote a piece on my feelings and experiences. I may post the writing at a later date.