So maybe I have seen too many movies, but vibrators scare the shit out of me! For example, if I were to have gotten one at the party, put down my bag of purchases, and it went off...Fuck, then everyone would have known what I bought. Then there would come the great stories and non stop jokes -- all at my expense. How embarrassing! So let's go with the scenario that I bought one. Okay, I safely put down my bag with undisclosed purchases. Now, I have to make it home. You see I hitched a ride with a friend -- who just before we left, warned me that I BETTER have my own bag. Between you and me...she scared the shit out of me, almost as bad as those vibrators. Back to the ride home. What would happen if I didn't set it down softly enough and the thing went off....Yes, back to the stories and non stop jokes. Taking it a step further, assume that I got the thing home without going off. I have friends who have kids. What if one of the kids found it, and brought it out to show everyone the 'toy' they had found. Again with the stories and non stop jokes. So you see, no good came come from vibrators...just like no good can come from alleys (and that's a post for another time).

Alright, enough's enough! I need to get back on track. I've sort of let many things go the last three weeks or so. I haven't been watching my diet too closely -- although I think I look amazing. That amazing look won't continue if I don't get back on track. I have piles of papers lying around...It seems like I get rid of one pile and three more show up...Frustrating! AND I haven't meditated in forever. That is something I need to do again. I feel a bit off balance. So starting today, I will eat better, clean up those damn piles, and start meditating again. Hopefully, I will find what I did with those divorce papers. Hm, wonder if I actually took the time to put them in a file? I guess we'll find out soon. So I figure it shouldn't take me that long to get back on the right path. It's not like I've been on some alternate path for that long. Best to nip it in the bud!

Over the crappy, rainy weekend, I went to Monterey with A. We walked around the mall. I love that mall. Now anyone who knows me knows that I HATE shopping. Now don't get me wrong, I do! But there is something about that mall I love. One of the best stores there is...The Apple Store (can you see the heavens parting, sun shining down, and hear angles singing? I can). Anyway, went in and gawked at the iPad 2. In true A style she tried to get me to buy it. I had to remind her that I have a hard time buying a pair of jeans if they cost $20. She said that it didn't matter, I was getting a stipend next week and it's a great way to spend that money. I think I may go back in a few weeks and get it. While at the mall we ate at Lalla's -- super cute place by the theater. Then we saw Bridesmaids.  It was funny.

We then came back into town and had dinner with J. Dinner was fine. You never know what you'll get at some places here in town. Someone's idea of a chile relleno was a split chile with a meat sauce over it. Yeah, it should be stuffed with cheese, coated, and fried. Not sure what the cook was thinking. At least the rice and beans were good. And while we did this A's significant other was at a bachelor party...with a stripper...who apparently didn't need hands to pick things up...even say a lollipop...from the floor

So there I was at the gym. Kickboxing to be exact. And there I was minding my own business (okay, well maybe not entirely) when from behind me -- as we were shuffling across the floor -- I hear my friend barking at me. Yes, I said barking! To be fair, this is the part in the routine where we play around. So then what happens? I bite the big one!! Yes folks, that's right I fell on the side of my ass in the middle of the floor. Good times! Yeah, I know you're laughing...I did too ;)

And on a more serious note, have you ever felt like you don't belong, even with your friends? Or that you don't quite fit in? Like that last piece of wood in some project that just doesn't fit properly. So you have to bang it into place. I mean it fits okay, and functions just fine, but it's just a little off. Yeah, that's how I've been feeling lately. Not sure what it's about. Could be the two year (self imposed) hiatis from men. I did it for my own sanity, to figure out who I am, time to just be me, and figure out what I really want -- in life and with a partner.

I recently decided that I would be open to dating again. This is slightly different than my proclamation two years ago of: I'm never dating again! So I have this little problem. It takes me forever to figure out what I want -- whether it's a job, a couch, or a hairstyle. Then once I figure out what I want, I think I should get it immediately. I know, I know, that's just not how life works. Well, it's how I want my life to work -- yeah, I realize I sound like a four year old. Then my second 'oh shit' moment hit when I looked around at where I was living. FUCK...King City is no place. Really, it's like in the middle of nowhere and the pickins are slimmer than slim. Yes, I can hear my friends saying things like...That's why you have to come out with us. You see, getting out is only half the problem. The second half is, well, I suck at first impressions. I'm loud and can be a bit strong. It takes some -- oh alright fine, many -- a while to get to know me. So am I sabotaging myself before I even get started? Or am I just scared? I hope that I am just scared and over analyzing everything.

I have confirmed something that I have suspected for a long time...Panda is a Spanish speaker. This means that I live in a multilingual household. Sadly, I only speak 1 language and slaughter a second. The Spaniards are back -- super happy, I've missed them (especially A). Anyway, they came over and were speaking Spanish to the dogs --  this is totally normal and encouraged. I like having multilingual dogs. Anyway, Panda really responded. This means I need to get my Spanish up to snuff in order to speak to one of the members of this household.

Getting the house the way I want it is a big task for one person! I am trying to clean, cook, clean up after the dogs, do yard work (front and back), landscape (the back), set up the garden (now complete -- well almost, need more tomato plants), do laundry, etc. Yea, it's a lot for one person. And that's okay. I know that it will not always be just me, and more importantly, I do the best I can. I do what I can each weekend and am satisfied with the results. I may not get to everything on my list, I may not do all the shopping that I need to do, and I'm okay with that.

And finally, I know I get made fun of for having a 'list' of qualities for a future partner. I'm okay with that too. I know my worth, and what I want. There is no reason to settle for anything less. Well, in full disclosure, there are over 50 items on my list. And to my credit less than 5 have to do with physical attributes -- currently, I can only think of 1. So in short, I think it is a good thing to know what you want -- whether it be in life or a partner. When that right person comes along, I will be happy that I waited and was picky. I know it will be better than I ever imagined.

That is exactly how I am feeling right now. I am soo tired of having to ask for help. I get it, I can't do it all on my own. However, lately I feel as if I can't do ANYTHING on my own! I have to constantly ask for help from my friends. And to make matters worse I have nothing to offer them in return. I can't cook, bake, sew, or do anything helpful to anyone. Ugh!

I set out to block off my garden area from Panda today. So, not sure what I need to create the fence, I asked my friends J&J. I stopped over their place and checked out their set up. Okay, not so hard. Then, before I left J is going through the shed looking for extra fencing for me -- I know this is my issue,  and he was just being kind (cuz that's how he is) but I felt bad taking it. I then went to the store to get the necessary posts. I then get home to try and put them in the ground...I have NO tools! So now once again I have to ask J&J to borrow tools.

I think what's really getting to me is the feeling of helplessness. I feel helpless, like I can't do anything on my own. Which is a switch from yesterday when I was all proud of myself for doing everything on my own. I know this moment of self pity will pass, but for now, I feel shitty, and angry with myself for not being able to do more on my own. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking...there go those exceedingly high standards that you set for yourself. And yes, you're right.

So yesterday I went shopping. I HATE shopping. I hate clothes shopping, I hate food shopping, I hate 'stuff' shopping. But yesterday my friends would have been proud of me. I did, what I have dubbed, 'Ana style shopping'. And I mean that as a compliment, although I'm not sure Juan would agree! Let me explain...'Ana style shopping' is not being afraid to buy something you like. You see, I'm usually too cheap and have the mindset that I don't really need something. Well, I guess some of Ana has rubbed off on me :) For example, I have a toaster oven, but wanted a new one. The old me would have thought, "Gee it would be nice to have a new one, but the old one works just fine," big sigh, "I'll just keep the old one." Now I know many of you are thinking that there's nothing wrong with that line of thought. However, what you have failed to ask is, "How old is the toaster oven?" Let's just say that my mother bought it for me in college. So yeah, wanting a new one isn't so unreasonable. So...I bought a new one. Yea me!

Then I went to Costco. Who knew a single woman would have a use for the place, but I do. Anyway, I spotted some cute tumblers. I have seen them before, but have always passed them up. Then yesterday I thought, "Why not? I like them and they don't cost very much." So I got them! Again, yea me! And when I got home, I realized that I had more wine glasses then drinking glasses. So now I think they're even. And while we are on the subject of Costco, did you know that you could buy caskets and urns on their website? It's true!

Blocked calls. WTH?? Someone called my cell last night and when I went to see who it was it said, "Blocked". Now, I know it was on the callers end since I have no idea how to block calls on my phone. So I ask, "Why bother calling me AND blocking your number?" I always screen my calls. Oh, and who ever it was didn't leave a message. Whatever...