It is official, I have shed 20 pounds! How you ask, well a steady stream of low cal foods with a healthy dose of wine. Yes, I believe wine has been the key to my success. Forget what all those dieters say, I am here to tell you, you can drink all the wine you'd like! So to celebrate...and shed more pounds...I think I'll go pour myself some now. If it's for dieting purposes it shouldn't matter that it's only 11:00 am right? Bottoms up!

Or not.

So to get the party started we were given pens with these 'cute' little pen toppers. Yes, folks that is a purple penis. The penis was for dipping purposes you see. We were then given an index card to write some answers on. Shit I hate 'Ice Breaker' Games. Fuck, I hate party games in general. And shit, this one said a lot about me...maybe.So here are the questions with my answers...
1. Your Name: Lisa
2. How you met the hostess(es): via school
3. Name a celebrity: Chelsey Handler...Yeah, this is the one that got me in trouble!
4. Name a female body part: Perky boobies What? Like it's a crime to be proud of mine?
5. Name a male body part: Tip o' penis Yeah, back on track with this one...or not!
6. Your favorite expression: FUCK! To be honest I had so many floating in my head a friend had to shout one out for me. It seemed right.

This is where I possibly became a lesbian...Of course there was some damn story that went with it. Sort of like adult Mad Libs. Here is the story...
Your name is Lisa and you met DD and #4 via school. We are going on a cruise. You are going to bring Chelsey Handler (yes, I know not too bad yet, just hang on). When you put your perky boobies on her tip o' penis (here is where I not only turned into a lesbian, but poor Chelsey Handler has strapped on some Pure Romance product. Hope she's okay with that). She said, "FUCK".
And that is why I may actually be a lesbian.

Here's an 'artsy' pic of a penis...Andy Warhol would be proud (or really turned on)!

So I was invited to this 'adult party'. You know the kind I'm talking about...'pleasurable things'. I now have enough material to last for days! I originally wasn't going to go. I figure...it's not really my kind of thing. I went, laughed my ass off, and walked out with a bag. It was hosted by two friends. One of which I swear is one huge ass conservative (I am in no way implying that she has a huge ass, cuz she doesn't)...Yeah, they're always the freaky ones aren't they? Let me just say that there are many fine 'products' out there; both for the freaky and non freaky. So here is a shout out to the representative from Pure Romance. Feel free to order stuff even if you're not in the KC area. It comes shipped in a plain box. Seriously, check it out. You know you want to. Let the inner freak inside come out to play.

Stay tuned for the many stories...I took notes!

Topics from the party to be explored...
*I may actually be a lesbian
*The non-kinky shit
*History of the vibrator
*Dildos Vs. Vibrators
*My fear of the vibrator

First, the good. My dog Samson! He really is the best dog ever. I got him after I decided that marriage was not for me anymore. He was a rescue dog...a STUD! The little dude is a prince. He came housebroken, rarely barks, is mellow and generally a great dog. OH and the other super good thing...I got an email from Noa! The creator of Oh, Noa. I sent an email, cuz I'm trying to join The League of Funny Bitches. How cool is that? I got a response from a seriously funny, semi-famous person! Go check out the blog, good shit!

Now the bad. Well, I've started p90x again. I like the results. I mean who doesn't want to look hot? The problem is, I HATE to exercise. The idea of moving my ass off of a couch or out of bed to get all sweaty and shit just doesn't do it for me. I have the desires and aspirations of an overachiever and the motivation of an underachiever...in most things! So I actually drug my ass off the couch and did today's  workout...yoga. I like yoga, I've done yoga for years, it will be a good day....NOT! I couldn't make it through the entire routine. "Clear the mind," he says. Well, how the fuck and I supposed to clear my mind when you won't shut the fuck up!!!! Seriously, someone needs to muzzle the guy from time to time. Look, I get that he has to instruct, but fuck, I don't need to hear soooooo much of him when I should be calm and clearing the mind. Bastard! Oh, and the whole time Panda sat there on his sofa judging me.

Now the leaky...Panda. I welcomed Panda in our -- Samson and my -- lives last October. He's faulty, a manufacturer defect. He leaks. Not a lot, just enough to annoy me and leaves spots...everywhere! I'm not talking about the roll over, pee on myself, 'see I'm your bitch, bitch'. No, I'm not sure when he does this. The boy rarely leaves his sofa. And when he's not there he's under my bed. At any rate, I have little dots that I am constantly cleaning up. Really? Fucking dog!

So last week I wrote about how you should NOT bark at me at the gym...it causes my little brain to freak out and go ass first onto the floor. So today, same class, same friend, same routine...She promised not to bark at me :) She didn't. I meowed at her...She bit the big one this week. I'm wondering if this is a sign that I need to stop fucking around at the gym? Naw...Just coincidence. So the moral of the story is, NO BARKING OR MEOWING during classes. Fuck, I'll have to think of something else to do.

Okay, unless your a super huge, saggy woman, or a man...Yuck, man boobs! Well summer's here and there is no better way to kick it off than by gettin out the legs and cleavage. I must admit that I am quite a fan of my legs and cleavage. And I know some of my friends like the cleavage too! Good stuff...

So feelin' all good and stuff, I go to renew a library book online -- easy, convenient, painless....HA! I try to log into my account and the stupid library set me up for failure! Assholes, OH and they called me an ass. Recently they changed to some swanky new system. Well here's my review...it sucks! Apparently I had logged in before and have a password. Can I remember it? Of course not. So I do what we all do, start typing in likely suspects. I was thinkin', "Cool, I've got 10 tries. Way better than the 3 or 5 I usually get and then the lock out." So I typed in 6 likely suspects. Then I got scared -- they lock you out, I don't want to be locked out. So I thought, well, maybe I don't really have a password, I'll sign up for one. Nope, they were nice enough to remind me I have one and whatever I typed did not match their records...NO SHIT! Fuck, libraries are mean. Then I go back and ask them to email me my password. This is where the fucking library set me up for failure...Apparently I was allowed to register without an email address on file. What the hell kind of scam are they running down there? Who the fuck does this? Stupid library. Oh, and it did call me an ass! I swear. At one point when I was typing in random ass passwords, the page began to load and it said, "There is no password assi" Now at a quick glance does it not look like it's calling me an ass WITH an exclamation? Yes, it does...meanies. It continued to load and something about, "There is no password assigned..."

So here I am with great legs, cleavage and an overdue library book.

Alright, enough's enough! I need to get back on track. I've sort of let many things go the last three weeks or so. I haven't been watching my diet too closely -- although I think I look amazing. That amazing look won't continue if I don't get back on track. I have piles of papers lying around...It seems like I get rid of one pile and three more show up...Frustrating! AND I haven't meditated in forever. That is something I need to do again. I feel a bit off balance. So starting today, I will eat better, clean up those damn piles, and start meditating again. Hopefully, I will find what I did with those divorce papers. Hm, wonder if I actually took the time to put them in a file? I guess we'll find out soon. So I figure it shouldn't take me that long to get back on the right path. It's not like I've been on some alternate path for that long. Best to nip it in the bud!

Over the crappy, rainy weekend, I went to Monterey with A. We walked around the mall. I love that mall. Now anyone who knows me knows that I HATE shopping. Now don't get me wrong, I do! But there is something about that mall I love. One of the best stores there is...The Apple Store (can you see the heavens parting, sun shining down, and hear angles singing? I can). Anyway, went in and gawked at the iPad 2. In true A style she tried to get me to buy it. I had to remind her that I have a hard time buying a pair of jeans if they cost $20. She said that it didn't matter, I was getting a stipend next week and it's a great way to spend that money. I think I may go back in a few weeks and get it. While at the mall we ate at Lalla's -- super cute place by the theater. Then we saw Bridesmaids.  It was funny.

We then came back into town and had dinner with J. Dinner was fine. You never know what you'll get at some places here in town. Someone's idea of a chile relleno was a split chile with a meat sauce over it. Yeah, it should be stuffed with cheese, coated, and fried. Not sure what the cook was thinking. At least the rice and beans were good. And while we did this A's significant other was at a bachelor party...with a stripper...who apparently didn't need hands to pick things up...even say a lollipop...from the floor

Yesterday was the last day of school. It was bitter sweet. I am now on vacation for a good long while, but will miss my students next year. They were truly a great group of kids. I was blessed to have several for two years...advantages of looping! I was also blessed with wonderful parents. I received several kind notes/cards yesterday. Make no mistake, the kindest words mean the most to us teachers. One student took the time write thank you and draw several pictures on her card...she is an aspiring artist. Another student handed me a gift bag and prompted me to read the card right away. He wrote a little note inside. He wrote that he will miss me as his 'thecher'. His mom expressed how grateful she was that I was a part of her and her son's life. Another parent wrote that I was a wonderful friend and teacher. A third parent said that my enthusiasm was contagious. These are cards that I will keep as well as cherish. How lucky I was to have such wonderful, supportive, and appreciative parents in my life this year. I know this one was a little sappy, but I was touched.

So there I was at the gym. Kickboxing to be exact. And there I was minding my own business (okay, well maybe not entirely) when from behind me -- as we were shuffling across the floor -- I hear my friend barking at me. Yes, I said barking! To be fair, this is the part in the routine where we play around. So then what happens? I bite the big one!! Yes folks, that's right I fell on the side of my ass in the middle of the floor. Good times! Yeah, I know you're laughing...I did too ;)

And on a more serious note, have you ever felt like you don't belong, even with your friends? Or that you don't quite fit in? Like that last piece of wood in some project that just doesn't fit properly. So you have to bang it into place. I mean it fits okay, and functions just fine, but it's just a little off. Yeah, that's how I've been feeling lately. Not sure what it's about. Could be the two year (self imposed) hiatis from men. I did it for my own sanity, to figure out who I am, time to just be me, and figure out what I really want -- in life and with a partner.

I recently decided that I would be open to dating again. This is slightly different than my proclamation two years ago of: I'm never dating again! So I have this little problem. It takes me forever to figure out what I want -- whether it's a job, a couch, or a hairstyle. Then once I figure out what I want, I think I should get it immediately. I know, I know, that's just not how life works. Well, it's how I want my life to work -- yeah, I realize I sound like a four year old. Then my second 'oh shit' moment hit when I looked around at where I was living. FUCK...King City is no place. Really, it's like in the middle of nowhere and the pickins are slimmer than slim. Yes, I can hear my friends saying things like...That's why you have to come out with us. You see, getting out is only half the problem. The second half is, well, I suck at first impressions. I'm loud and can be a bit strong. It takes some -- oh alright fine, many -- a while to get to know me. So am I sabotaging myself before I even get started? Or am I just scared? I hope that I am just scared and over analyzing everything.

So what are some things that I have learned this Memorial Day weekend? Most agree that Freedom is not free, dead mice CAN leave a blood stain, and dandelions can create their own forest. I almost took pictures of two of these then decided that one was too gross and the other I was too embarrassed about.

So the mouse story...I live a block away from fields. And every now and then, when they are picking or plowing a few escape into my house...BIG mistake. Well, it happened again. I had noticed a few droppings. At the time I thought they were just crumbs. They were scattered here and there. Then upon further review I realized what they were...EWWWWW! So I quickly cleaned and sanitized all affected areas. I then promptly reset some traps. One was placed on the counter -- I know, gross, but if that's where he's going, that's were I'm putting the fucking trap. Anyway, I set it and sat down on the couch with Samson. About 20 minutes later, I hear it snap. Now, I am terrified of these things as they can go off whenever. So I just figured it was a new one and it must have slipped. It was 2:30 in the afternoon for crying out loud, and mice are nocturnal animals. When I finally did get up to reset it, I saw it. YUCK, the head and beady little eyes! And what else did I see? BLOOD! Eck!!!!!! So being the stupid independent woman that I am, I finally mustered up the courage to get a plastic bag and throw the poor guy away. Then I had to clean up his DNA...EWWWW! Just to make sure he was the only one, I have set more traps. I hope this is the last of this topic!

I have been looking out my office window daily at my garden. Of which I have just realized that a sunflower is growing where a cucumber plant should be. But that's a story for another time. The garden is coming along fine, probably would be better if the days were a tad bit warmer. However, along the sides a dandelion forest appeared. It was terrible. The dandelions were actually bigger than any plant in the garden. They were at least two and a half feet tall. So I finally drug my ass out there and pulled them all. Now, please realize that the roots still exist and most will crop back up again, but for now they are gone! If I am fast enough I can place some weed block on the ground and 'landscape' the area. This requires me to buy some weed block. So not sure what my chances are. Hmmm, a Magic 8 Ball would come in handy about now.