So yesterday I went shopping. I HATE shopping. I hate clothes shopping, I hate food shopping, I hate 'stuff' shopping. But yesterday my friends would have been proud of me. I did, what I have dubbed, 'Ana style shopping'. And I mean that as a compliment, although I'm not sure Juan would agree! Let me explain...'Ana style shopping' is not being afraid to buy something you like. You see, I'm usually too cheap and have the mindset that I don't really need something. Well, I guess some of Ana has rubbed off on me :) For example, I have a toaster oven, but wanted a new one. The old me would have thought, "Gee it would be nice to have a new one, but the old one works just fine," big sigh, "I'll just keep the old one." Now I know many of you are thinking that there's nothing wrong with that line of thought. However, what you have failed to ask is, "How old is the toaster oven?" Let's just say that my mother bought it for me in college. So yeah, wanting a new one isn't so unreasonable. So...I bought a new one. Yea me!

Then I went to Costco. Who knew a single woman would have a use for the place, but I do. Anyway, I spotted some cute tumblers. I have seen them before, but have always passed them up. Then yesterday I thought, "Why not? I like them and they don't cost very much." So I got them! Again, yea me! And when I got home, I realized that I had more wine glasses then drinking glasses. So now I think they're even. And while we are on the subject of Costco, did you know that you could buy caskets and urns on their website? It's true!

Blocked calls. WTH?? Someone called my cell last night and when I went to see who it was it said, "Blocked". Now, I know it was on the callers end since I have no idea how to block calls on my phone. So I ask, "Why bother calling me AND blocking your number?" I always screen my calls. Oh, and who ever it was didn't leave a message. Whatever...

WTF?? I am now having anxiety attacks over testing! This is ridiculous! I need a new career. And when I say anxiety attacks, I mean crying, shortness of breath and flappy hands. Yes, flappy hands, I haven't had flappy hands in years.

Okay, so everyone likes to see a number cuz that's all politicians can understand. They equate high numbers on a test with smart people and good teachers...dumbasses! So now someone can look at my class's test scores and judge me as a teacher, and they do. Most will never admit it, but they do. Sadly, no one sees, cares or deals with my students. All they see is a number. Do they care that I have 3 students in Special Education? No, they just better achieve 'Proficient' on the test. Do they care that one is called names and made fun of at home, by an adult in the home? No, they just better achieve 'Proficient' on the test. Do they care that several have to get up at 5 in the morning to be shipped to a babysitter so the parent can go to work? No, they just better achieve 'Proficient' on the test. Do they care that while several do not qualify for Special Education, they will in a few years (cuz then they'll be really behind and we can then give them help)? No, they just better achieve 'Proficient' on the test. Do they care that English is a second language to many (good for them for knowing two languages!)? No, they just better achieve 'Proficient' on the test. Do they care that the care giver is abusive, a drug addict, alcoholic, has limited education, a drug dealer, a prostitute, a gang member, or a petty thief who is in and out of prison? No, they just better achieve 'Proficient' on the test.

These are not excuses, but the reality of my job and many lives around our country. Do I think that R can get a 'Proficient' on the state test? No, not this year. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. R is a nice student with a lot going on in the home. Maybe when things settle down in a few years (hopefully sooner) R will be able to achieve full potential. Until then, I can only do my best. But I guess my best isn't good enough.

I see these kids for 6.5 hours per day for 180 days. Oh wait, minus three day....furlough, ya know, not enough money for the future so, cut the year short. I am NOT a fucking miracle worker! I do what I can. I work my ass off at my job. Just look at it sometime, I mean, it really is flat. I work afterschool, I come home and work, I work on weekends, summers and all vacations in between. And for what? To feel like a shitty, no good teacher.

So now I am left to beat myself up, cuz the public and the Right isn't doing a good enough job of that. I thank you for listen (well reading really) rant. I do feel better.

Oh, and if you hear of a really great job opportunity that would be great for me, give me a call :)

Why is an independent woman such a bad thing in the minds of so many people? So I finally called my dad -- whom I haven't spoken with in 2 months. We were 'catching up'. Although it was slightly superficial as we each get information about the other from my aunt. At any rate, he said that he had heard that Pt has a girlfriend. I said, "Yes". He asked if she was divorced, no. (Note: on my to do list for 2011 is to get that divorce I've talked about for so long now). Then the question all single women get..."Any men in your life?"
Me: No
Dad: Aw, that's too bad, you're a good catch
Me: (thinking) No shit!
Me: (what I actually said): I know
Dad: You don't want to be alone. That's not good.
Me: Don't put your issues on me, I'm happy.
Dad: (in an angry tone) I'm not putting my issues on you. It could be just you or you with 18 cats, I just don't want to see that happen to you.
Me: I made the choice to be on my own right now. I'm good with it, I'm happy with where I am.
Dad: Okay, I just want you to be happy, that's all I want for you.

Okay, seriously, who in their right fucking mind starts off a conversation with 'you don't want to be alone' who's not putting his/her own issues into play? Why are so many people threatened/weirded out/annoyed WHATEVER with the idea that a woman can actually be happy WITHOUT a man (or woman in some cases) in her life? First of all, it was totally healthy for me to take a break from men. I needed to do things. I don't need someone to 'complete me'. Fucking Jerry McGuire making so many people think that co-dependence is a good thing. NO, I don't need anyone to complete me. News flash, I am complete all on my little own!

So then we move on to another topic, who knows, who cares what it was about. He asked a bunch of questions like, "How much is gas out there?" and then proceeded to talk about M's (his girlfriend) gas mileage. Why ask a question if you just want to talk? So I finally answered his question, then...wait for it...still waiting...yup, long awkward pause....Then...
Dad: I'll let you go
Me: okay
Dad: So what's it? 6:30 out there?
Me: yes
Dad: Okay, we should talk more often
Me: (thinking) No shit! You have a phone too, pick it up and dial sometime.
Me: (actually said) Yeah, I have some things that we need to discuss, but I need to write them down first so I don't sound so angry and pissed off.
Dad: No use in being angry
Me:(thinking) You weren't screwed over by your parents
Me: (actually said) I know, I just need to write it down so I don't ramble.
Dad: okay, bye, I love you

So, some may be wondering...What was with the long pause? Well, my bet is M was urging him to get off the phone. She usually does it a little louder so that I hear. Dear aunt told Dad I was pissed about that and he must have told M, forcing her to go all Silent Bob like.
I hung up still pissed off with the whole 'alone' thing. I then poured myself a glass of wine. Which leads me to my second topic...Families lead many people to drink! Yup, I'm one of them!  And this is one of the many reasons why I moved far away from my family!

So I know I have great friends and all, but sometimes I feel like I don't contribute enough. Take today for example. A friend's husband volunteered to prune my out of control maytan tree. Then, we ended up calling another friend over...mainly cuz I suck at pruning and I would end up chopping off a lot and having a lopsided tree. So by the end of the day I had 2 families over helping with this damn tree. The two men, with a little help from the rest of us (kids included), loaded up the back of a pickup. It was then taken away to a huge burn pile on a farm.

Now, when I stop and think about how 2 families gave up their day and came over, I actually well up. I know, I'm such a sap. But I feel like I always need help...and I hate that. I know I need help, but I feel like I'm not contributing enough. I hate relying on others and always needing help. I know part of this is coming from residual "I'm not worthy" crap.

I don't mind being on my own, but I do mind having to ask for so much help. I guess this is part of my journey and a lesson I must learn...It's okay.

Obnoxiously out of control maytan tree...Yea, that's the farmer who agreed to climb it and cut the shit out of it.

And after we all had our 2 cents as to which branches should be lopped off!

I just have to begin by complimenting Panda (I'm sure he's a reader of this site) on how well behaved he has become when I'm not home! In the beginning, he couldn't help but to mark every damn thing he could lift his leg to -- with the exception of Tootsie and Zig's furniture. It's like someone was watching over it making sure he stayed away. Anyway, I have recently started leaving him out when I"m gone on short jaunts. I have tried this in the past, but had the doggy door closed and a belly band on him. This hasn't worked for a while since he knows how to wriggle out of a belly band. With the doggy door closed, he would lift his leg everywhere! UGH, so annoying. However, I have been leaving the beloved doggy door open and retired the belly band. He hasn't made any messes...at least none that I have found. Today I was gone for 4 hours...no mess, and I don't think he even jumped on the bed -- a no, no for him.

So while I was gone today and Panda was riling up the neighborhood dogs (then running in the house like he had nothing to do with it), I went shopping. Now, it's no secret that I HATE SHOPPING! I hate trying on clothes, I HATE the mirrors, and I hate how all the cool stuff is costly. Today's goal: get a new bra! I am down to 2 and one of them is a sports bra! I bought one a few weeks back, but I hate how it fits. And to complicate matters, I have no idea what size I actually am these days. I know...go get measured. Please remember I live in the middle of nowhere and I went south (Paso Robles) today. Not sure where to get it done down that way. So I enter Target and get some bras to try on. UGH! Those damn mirrors! They LIE!!! Did you know they are actually fun house mirrors (and yes, I know I've blogged about it before. So this just proves that I'm right). Anyway, the stupid mirror gave me rolls...and I don't mean the kind you put butter on and eat. Fucking mirrors. Then, none of the bras fit right...I know....Get measured. I did end up buying one -- the least annoying one.

So I am not sure what's going on this week. Normally, I get along really well with parents. Okay, there are the occasional instances -- like last Sunday -- when I really don't get along with a parent. So to have an additional 2 parents -- that I know of -- be annoyed with me I am only left with one explanation...something in the universe is misaligned! Earlier this week I had a parent annoyed with me (although it was really more with the kid than me) that I didn't share with them that we were doing multiple paragraph essays. I didn't really tell the parents because we did them in class. It took us 2 weeks to do a graphic organizer -- fancy teacher word for a paper with boxes on it to help students organize thoughts. Then they were to transfer the sentences from that and put them into the paragraphs. It was totally easy! No need to tell parents ahead of time, just let them sit back and be amazed at what their kid can do at the end. Ugh, nope not this time around.

Then....there was today. I now know how Mrs. Obama feels. I had a conversation with a kid yesterday. He informed me that he hurt his leg and wouldn't be able to run the mile this week -- never mind the fact that there has been no limping and playing at recess was unhindered. As per my usual response I asked if he had a doctor's note...of course not. So not content with my answer the kid told his dad what happened. Ah, now dad is annoyed with me-- boy being a teacher is fun! He says that he hurt his leg, but he's not taking him to the doctor's. So in my mind I'm thinking, "Then it must not be that bad and he can run." However, to the parent I say, "Okay." And fast forward to today at PE time...The kid doesn't run, the rest of us do -- yup, me too. Fast forward to after school.

Dad: You have a problem with him? (pointing to son who is 15 feet away)
Me: Huh? (completely puzzled at what the hell he's talking about)
Dad: You have a problem with him? (pointing to son who is still 15 feet away)
Me: No
Dad: He said you made him cry
Me: I didn't see him cry (to myself: fuck Lisa shut up!)
Dad: You asked for a note, we talked yesterday that he hurt his leg.
Me: Right, he didn't run.
Dad: Why did you ask for a note?
Me: I didn't because we spoke yesterday.
Me: (to child) Did I make you run today?
Child: No, but you said that you wanted a note.
Me: No, we talked yesterday. You didn't run today.
Me: (to dad) he had no problems playing at recess (Seriously, when will I learn to shut my mouth? But honestly, parents need to see the whole thing before defending their child)
Dad: Well, it might be better today, but we talked and he wasn't going to run. Why does he say that you needed a note?
Me: It must have been some sort of miscommunication. I'm sorry.

Please note that at no time did the dad ask the child to come and speak with us to share his side of the story. Nor did the dad get after the kid for saying that I wanted a note today, when in fact I NEVER ASKED FOR A FUCKING NOTE!

Seriously, running 4 laps around a field in 30 minutes isn't killing anyone! Oh, and this is the same kid that got his foot caught under the fence TWICE at the beginning of the year. He's not the biggest fan of running and often doubt his multiple complaints!!

Okay, so I had to run to the grocery store today. And yes, it's a madhouse on Superbowl Sunday. So as I am exiting the store I see a former parent approaching. My first thought, "Fuck!" My second thought, "Suck it up and say hi." So, I do. I smile, look at her and say, "Hi". I know, some of you are thinking, "Why bother if you know she doesn't like you?" Well, this is a small town and I'm trying to do the mature thing here. You see in town there are 2 options at the grocery store when you see someone you know and don't want to talk. Option 1: go in another direction. Option 2: say hello and be on your way. As option 1 wasn't a choice because of location I was left with option 2. So what does crazy lady do? Marches past me LOUDLY declaring, "I don't like you!" I continued walking and burst out laughing. I mean who acts like that besides a 5 year old? Very happy the child and family have moved to another site. Although without crazy people, we wouldn't have stories like this to tell.

I received an email this morning from my cousin. She is getting married this year -- this I knew. She was giving me a big heads up about the dates and such so that I could fly back home for the big event. The only problem I could see was that it was at a crucial point in my school year. However, after thinking about it today I realized that very few will give a fuck if I am at school or not during this time period and furthermore, NO ONE will say, "Hey thanks for being here instead of going to your cousin's wedding". And as a part of my new philosophy on life, I have decided to go! First of all, I like this cousin. She has been there for me and she is more important that being in the classroom for a few days. Secondly, I need to start living my life for me! I cannot continue to think of every possible angle of what may or may not happen in the future...Live in the present! Okay, so a little planning like finding a flight is good...

The next thing I need to do is rent a house on the beach for my birthday this year! It's a big one and I want to celebrate. It will come a few weeks after my cousin's wedding, so living it up will be the theme =D

Today was a good day considering. Today, my family said their final good byes to my cousin -- Christina -- who was killed in Vegas after a drunk driver rear ended the car she was in. I mean, how hard is it to find a cab in Vegas...NOT VERY. Then the son of a bitch was let out on a $150,000 bond. So now he is driving -- hopefully sober -- around the streets of San Diego.

Today was also the 7th anniversary of my mother's death -- who happened to be Christina's Godmother. Long ago, and with the help of therapy, I mourned not only her loss, but the loss of hope. It's never easy to lose someone you love, but when the relationship between you and said loved one is strained, there are multiple layers of mourning. Personally, I had to deal with alienation, broken ties, and the loss of hope. I think the loss of hope was the biggest one I had to deal with. The hope that I had, until she died, was that we could have a good relationship, we would heal old wounds, we would have that mother-daughter relationship I so desperately wanted. Once she died, I had to face the fact that all my hopes and desires that I had for us were no longer an option. To this day, it is the death of 'hope' that makes me the saddest.

Shortly after my mom died, I wrote a piece on my feelings and experiences. I may post the writing at a later date.

As I sit back and recuperate from the operation last week, I find myself reflecting upon the year and the lessons that I have learned. So in no particular order here are my lessons for the year...
1) Panda knows how to give the stink eye.
2) You do not need to have a 'special someone' in order to enjoy Valentine's Day. (Okay, I bought Samson on Feb. 13 -- Go for it Dr. Freud).
3) Not everyone is aware of the 'no double dipping' rule in public....Isn't that right Juan?!
4) I was a Carbotarian, not a vegetarian.
5) I LOVE boneless skinless chicken breast.
6) Ask and ye shall receive...in reference to surgery last week.
7) If a dog is barking too much on TV, Panda will indeed become insecure, stand up, and pee on that spot -- yup, even if it's on the couch -- learned that one this morning!
8) I can salsa and shimmy like no one else! -- Thank you Zumba
9) One child can make or break a classroom.
10) I deserve to have HBO!
11) I DO NOT like Morphine or Vicodan -- Which has lead me to my next lesson...
12) I'd make a terrible druggie.
13) Cupcakes are REALLY important to some people.

Stay tuned, there are a few more days left in the year. I will add to the list if needed.